There's a place deep inside of me... Every now and again I brave the rushing currents, the hyperthermic ice that burns right through the chasm. I sit on the surface and take a small peek... Is it safe to journey here yet? Will the rush of raging waters still try to drown me? Will I lose my breathe once again and fade away for awhile? Fourteen years of darkness is a long time, a lifetime for some, to be gone.
Now that I am back I am eerie to travel the path into that space. Some ask, "why? Why would I want to go back?". I don't really have an answer... I am left only with a problem really. The problem is that the pathway comes and meets me where I'm at... I do not want to go back. It has no remorse, no feeling bad for bringing it to me again. It is a narcissistic pathway with no feeling whatsoever for my well being. It is hungry and thirsty for only me... for me to get lost in its prickly thorns once again. It wants me trapped into its grasp, it's hold that gauges out my heart.
You see life; that messy, muddy, murky, very much not perfect life happens... And when it happens we get pricked by thorns, pushed down, stepped on and triggers come to the surface like messengers of bad news. The life that we've fought so hard to get back to becomes not as clear and we get dragged to that place inside, the one we've managed to hide from... until now.
Can I open my eyes in this place? Can I trust myself to not be dragged under again? Will God give me that strength to walk through this place, this space and not leave me here alone again?
He will. His grace is sufficient for me. I will make this journey again. One step at a time. I will find His healing there.
I am in no rush, and He is with me here.